Dad Joke of the Day Thread

Have to tell my grand kids.

 

One day when Helen Keller came in from outside, her family noticed her fingers were purple, and they asked her why her fingers were purple. She said, "I heard something through the grapevine."

 

....and your last name would be Kardashian.

 

A guys car breaks down on the edge of a small town and he has it towed to the one and only garage in town. The mechanic says, "it'll take a me an hour or so to check her out, in the mean time you can take a stroll around our little town". So the guy walks around for a while checking out the little shops, he finally decides to stop at a shop that advertises "home made ice cream". Soon the hour is up and he walks back to the garage and the mechanic says "looks like ya blew a seal" The guy wipes his chin and says "oh, no, that just a little ice cream"

 

LoL

 

Why is it easier to weigh a fish than a chicken? The fish has scales

 

A man is out of town on business when he gets a call that his wife has been in a bad car accident. He gets the next flight home and goes straight to the hospital where he meets the doctor. The doc tells the man his wife will live but she will need 24 hour care, he will have to feed her, bath her, wash her, clean up after her, etc. The man breaks down and tells the doc "Oh my God, I am not capable of this, I am not a strong enough man to do this, I know I am going to fail my beloved wife!"

The doc slaps him on the back and says "I'm just ****in with ya, she's dead"

 

I saw an old lady eating a burrito while she had two birds on her shoulders.

She leaned over and let one fly.

 

Ah geez that's f**k up. LoL

 

Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and the Judge says: "Mickey I can't grant you a divorce because your wife is crazy". Mickey says: "Your honor, I didn't say Minnie was crazy - I said she was f...kin Goofy!"

 

A farm boy decides to take a nearby farm girl out on their first date so he takes her to the county fair. They walk around for a while and he says "what do you want to do" she says "I want to get weighed" so he takes her to let the guy guess her weight. They walk around a bit more and she seems a little frustrated so he says "what would you like to do now?" She says with a bit more force "I want to get weighed!" He think hmmm okay, so he takes her to get weighed again. After a bit more time he notices she is not having a good time so he decides to end the date and drops her off at home. The girl walks in the house and her mother says "how was your date?" The girl says "wousy!"