Dad Joke of the Day Thread

I know you got 'em. Let's see 'em.

 

The hardest board exam to pass is the professional magicians exam. It's all trick questions.

 

What is a yankee?






















Same as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself

 

You heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? It's a guy who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

 

This one is a bit long




A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says I’m sorry, but can’t serve beer to bears in bars. Frustrated the bear pleads with the bartender. Please, I’m tired and thirsty and just want a beer. Once again the bartender refuses. I’m sorry. My hands are tied. I can’t serve beer to bears in bars. Getting angry the bear says give me a beer or I’m going to kill that woman. Yet once again the bartender refuse with the same line. I can’t serve beer to bears in bars. The bear lets out mighty roar, kills the woman, and demands a beer. The bartender says I’m sorry, but I can’t serve beer to bears on drugs.

Getting really angry the bear asks bears on drugs? What are you talking about?


That was a bar bi tch you ate

 

fvck that took me 3 times damn Im slow

earlier I had a yellow jacket

 

Our local blacksmith put his dog up for adoption. A nice family adopted the dog. As soon as they got the dog into their house, he made a bolt for the door.

 

Farmers eat what they can and can what they can't.

 

Courtesy of Steven Wright: "I bought one of those new microwave fireplaces. I can have an entire evening of passionate romantic interlude in 17 seconds."

 

A man goes to confession and says to the priest, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned. I'm an 80 year old man and last week I made love to a beautiful 19 year old Victoria Secrets model'.
The priest replies, 'I see. How long has it been since your last confession?'
The old man says, 'I've never been to confession father, I'm Jewish.'
Confused, the priest asks, 'Then why are you telling me this?'
The old man says, 'Hell Padre, I'm telling everybody!'

 

Hell I still don't get it. LoL

 

I bought a jar of anti-bragging cream. The instructions say, 'don't rub it in'

 

Barbiturate

 

yellowjacket

 

I still can't get it.

 

Now I get it. Good one.

 

The best gift I ever got was a broken drum. It has never been beaten.

 

You guys know where Engagement, Ohio is? It's between Dayton and Marion.

 

My wife collects dad jokes so she can use them at work. In today's corporate world, you wouldn't be able to use that bear joke. It might be offensive to bar bitches!

 

That's a downer

 

I see what you did there.....couldn't use that one either.

 

One time at band camp…

 

My dad used to tell me

When I die
I can donate my brain
to science
Brand new
Never been used