Dad Joke of the Day Thread

I read a statistic that Mother's Day has the least number of crimes committed than any other day of the year. Taking your mom to brunch will keep her from going out and committing crimes. That's how I read it anyway.

 

LOL
It's not Cat Burns Alan Carr or Jonathan Ross
LOL

 

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

 

That's freaking terrible man. LoL

 

When you see a snake skin, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. It means the same thing when you see my clothes at Goodwill.

 

This is not even a joke, a redneck friend down in West Virginia actually did this

He was at a funeral where his uncle was cremated and they were giving out ziplock bags with a spoon full of the deceased ashes in it

Loudly my friend said I’m not taking that

How do I know I’m not getting the a$$hole

 

I installed a new turn signal light, and I got in the car to test it and asked a friend who was next to the car if the new turn signal light was working.

He said, "Yes...no....yes....no....yes...no..."

 

Two duffus guys were looking for some cheap wheels so they walked to a Used Car Shop and started looking around the lot. A salesman came out and asked if he could help them. They explained right away they didn't have much money but needed some transportation. He showed them around but everything they saw they couldn't afford. So he asked them how much they had and they said between the two of them they only had $25 dollars. He said he had nothing that cheap but if all you need is transportation I do have an excellent camel outback that does everything a car does by following voice and sight commands - say "Turn Right or Left", it turns Right or Left. Say "Go or Stop" and it goes or stops. It stops at red lights and goes on green lights.

So the desperate guys said OK and handed him the $25 and the salesman retrieved the camel for them. And right on cue the camel did everything precisely as the salesman said it would as they moseyed down the roadway. A few hours later the two guys walked dejectedly back into the Used Car Office and told the same guy that their camel was long gone. They assured the salesman that the camel did everything exactly like they were promised. So the salesman asked them what happened. They said that while they were stopped at a red light a car of teenagers pulled up next to them and yelled out at them "Look at the two a$$holes on that camel" and when we got off to look the light turned green and the camel took off.

 

Farmer joke:

Why do they call it a chicken coop

Because it only has 2 doors

If it had 4 doors it would be a sedan

 

Many years ago that line got my wife some cheap plastic beads

And no this is not a joke

 

Heck we remember when the phrase “Thou shalt not” hadn’t even been used yet

 

How you came up with and found a need to invent logarithms just with a bunch of twigs and rocks I'll never know.

 

What is green and smells like pork

Kermit’s finger

 

You're talking about Ford Eggsels right?

 

Get ready Jeh, someone with the initials SM may be asking you some questions. Just kidding SM. We know you got this one. Right?

 

I was the only engineer in a graduate finance class. One day one of the other students that I didn’t particularly like proudly said we could try solving the problem using regression analysis. Being a smart ass back then I blurted out across the room “you can’t use regression analysis on non linear models, you have to convert the variables to logarithms first”. Then the entire room went silent including the professor while everyone had that “WTF did he just say” look about them. I went back to doodling.

 

43 just posted something about this

 

I grow garlic and my favorite variety is “Romanian Red” they are hot easy to peel and a bulb is the size of a thick beer can coozie

Not a joke

But…..

I will admit since I have been goalie I have not seen a single vampire

 

Imagine his kids in grade school on parent teacher night when their friends are saying “that’s your dad?”

 

Back in the day, we all had those handheld yellow Pickett or white K&E Slide Rules (not to be confused with the 12 ft half ton demonstration models hanging on the front wall over the chalk board). There was one function on the slide rule, "Log-Log", that we Civil Engineers never learned to use or had to use until we got to Engineering Hydraulics. It allows you to do very advanced calculations involving water flow determinations in culverts, weirs and rivers etc. Here's the AI interpretation which also drags Nuclear Scientists into the equation:




Loved this feature.

 

I would love to be near that