Dad Joke of the Day Thread

Variation from when I literally bought $10,000 of toilet paper for a school district

It’s rough it’s tough and it doesn’t take **** off of anyone

 

As I stated earlier in this thread I'm not a joke person since my brother-in-law use to drive us crazy with them at every family event. He was over the other day and I let him read through this thread. He was in poop pig heaven. He actually wrote down about 15-20 of them for future use.

 

Ummmm

 

A guy went to see his psychiatrist, but he showed up at his appointment completely naked, except for several layers of saran wrap that he wrapped around himself.

He asked, "doc, do you know what's wrong with me?"

His psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see yer nuts."

 

LoL. Ah Geez

 

Snoop Dogg always carries an umbrella. He claims it's fo tha drizzle.

 

A man tells his friend he has developed an intense phobia of birds. So much so that he has started carrying a shotgun around everywhere he goes. The friend asks him him, don't you think you're getting a bit carried away?
The man holds up the shotgun and says, 'not today'.

 

A pirate with a steering wheel attached to his crotch walks into a bar.

The bartender notices the steering wheel and says, "that looks uncomfortable, what's with the steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

The pirate says, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

 

Ahhhhhh. Geez

 

Innuendo: Italian suppository
Symmetry: Very neatly laid out graveyard
Acoustic: A perch for a dove

 

Took a second.....

 

You heard about the lady who got her Vaseline and window putty mixed up?
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All her windows fell out.

 

You know what they say about a man with big hands and big feet?




Big gloves and big shoes.

 

At the public pool today I peed in the deep end. The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

 

This guy had a cousin with 5 penises.
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His pants fit like a glove.

 

There's a variation of this: Two guys taking a wiz off of a bridge and one guy comments - "Damn, this water sure is cold". The other one trying to one up him says - "Yeah and it's deep too!"

 

At least you didn't do this:

 

why did the donut go to the dentist? He needed a filling.

 

"It's no big deal."

 

A guy goes for a doctor visit and the doc tells him he has some bad news and some really bad news for him. The guy says what's the bad news? The doc says, from your recent blood tests I found out you only have a month to live. The shocked guy says well what's the really bad news then? The doc says, I found out last month but forgot to call you.

 

I've been struggling to get my horse out of his stable, and it is only willing to come out after dark. It's becoming a night mare.