Dad Joke of the Day Thread

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

 

Donate a kidney, and you’re a hero. Donate 5 kidneys, and people freak out and the police get called.

 

Our manager said to leave our problems at the door in order to have a more peaceful workplace. Now he's upset because we locked him outside.

 

A man at a funeral walks up the widow and says “mind if I say a word?” She says “please do.” He says “bargain,” and she says “thanks, that means a great deal.”

 

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

 

I have a fish that can breakdance. But only for about 5 minutes… and only once.

 

I saw a one handed man at a second hand store. I said “gee, I’m sorry sir, but I don’t think they have what you’re looking for.”

 

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job that I don’t even care.

 

30% of pet owners let their pets sleep in their beds with them. I tried it and my goldfish died.