Dad Joke of the Day Thread

Hey hey hey!

 

The pony wasn't able to sing in the adult equestrian contest because he was a little horse.

 

The Mexican magician was doing his vanishing act. He waved his wand, said "uno, dos," then disappeared without a tres.

 

A man goes to the bar and orders 3 mugs of beer. The bartender pours them and the man sits and drinks all 3 slowly, one after the other. Then he orders 3 more mugs of beer. The bartender tells him he can order 3 at a time if he wants but asks why not get them 1 at a time so they stay cold. The man explains that he has 2 brothers and they live very far apart, but they had an agreement to each get a round of beers and drink them together each week.
This goes on once a week for several months. One day the man goes to the bar but only orders 2 mugs of beer. The bartender offers condolences assuming something has happened to one of the brothers. The man says, 'no, they are fine. I just quit drinking'.

 

The guy who was hit in the head with two soda cans was released from the hospital with no injuries.
Turns out they were soft drinks..........

 

True story: A girl I grew up with went to the store one Saturday and bought some wine and a cucumber for her salad and the cashier remarked, "No date tonight, hmm"?

 

Yes honey, that's why the Magnum was bought

 

Another true story. A close family lady friend had her son come home from 3rd grade one day crying and when she asked him what was wrong he said the kids at school were making fun of him for believing in Santa Claus. He asked his mom if this was true. The mom dreading this moment and tried to soften the news and said to her son, you see honey, Santa Claus is sort of like the Easter Bunny and.......... Immediately her son cried out, "Oh no, not him too!"

 

My uncle also taught us this gem: 30 days has September. April, June and no wonder! All the rest have peanut butter, except Grandma. She rides a bicycle!

 

Grandma, what comes after 69
Grandma replies
Mouthwash

 

I ask grandpa and grandma
A women who sleeps with 25 guys is considered a slut
What do you call a guy that does the same thing?
Grandma replies
Probably a homo

 

My wife yelled at me claiming that I never listen to her. I said, 'that's a strange way to begin a conversation'.

 

LoL

 

When my grandson was about 12, he asked if I knew any jokes. I told him, "yes, but none that I can tell you." Then I thought, maybe little Johnny jokes wouldn't be too bad. The first one I thought of made me change my mind so, he googled Little Johnny jokes and laughed his butt off for an hour! The first one that came up was the joke I had been thinking of.........

 

Well tell it

 

Okay: The teacher gave the class an assignment. They were to come up with a word for the letter she gave them. Little Johnny's hand shot up, but the teacher knew she couldn't call on him or he'd come up with something dirty. "Sally, your letter is A" Sally stood and said, "A, apple" "Very good Sally"..... She went through the alphabet with little Johnny waving and saying, "Ooh, ooh" at each one. She finally got to R and thought, "he can't come up with anything dirty for R, okay Johnny, your letter is R" Little Johnny stood up, held his hands shoulder width apart and said, "RATS, BIG F****** RATS"!

 

I actually got to meet the guy that invented the number zero. I said, 'thanks for nothing'.